Sex Humor: On Second Thought, Maybe I WILL Take That GEICO Rental Car Insurance

Sex Humor: On Second Thought, Maybe I WILL Take That GEICO Rental Car Insurance

– Calico Rudasill,

geiko gecko

Most days, there’s very little that I find amusing about the subject of insurance, regardless of whether it’s the kind of insurance on which I can save 15% on in 15 minutes according to a talking lizard, insurance offered by someone who is like a “good neighbor,” or the sort of insurance which puts me in “good hands”.

But this isn’t most days.

Christ, How Long Was SHE On the Phone With Them?

No, this is the day when I read about GEICO quite likely being on the hook for $5.2 million in damages because a man insured by the company passed along HPV to a woman with whom he had sex in his Geico-insured vehicle.

I know what you’re thinking: “Is that lizard supposed to be British or Australian?”

Or maybe you’re wondering, like I was when I first stumbled across this story, how in the hell having unprotected sex with someone in your car implicates your auto insurance policy?

I Don’t Suppose GEICO Insures Sofas? Would be More Comfy, Surely

As reported by The Washington Post, the Missouri Court of Appeals just upheld the lower court’s judgment “involving a Jackson County, Mo., woman who said she unknowingly caught HPV, the human papillomavirus, during unprotected sex in the luxury sedan of a former male romantic partner in 2017.”

After the woman (identified only as “M.O.” in court documents) let GEICO know she was seeking monetary damages, an arbitrator in MO (no, not that M.O., MO the state) ruled the man was liable because he had failed to disclose his HPV infection – and that the sex M.O. and the man (“M.B.”) had in M.B.’s car (presumably on the DL) “directly caused, or directly contributed to cause” to M.O. contract HPV.

JFC that’s a lot of abbreviations! But I digress.

I’m not qualified to accurately summarize the court’s ruling here – but I’m also not responsible or restrained enough to stop myself from inaccurately summarizing it, so here goes. The court basically told GEICO: “Too slow, too bad, so sad, sucks to be you.”

“GEICO’s claim of constitutional deprivations presumes GEICO was denied the opportunity to defend its interests relating to M.O.’s claims against Insured, including the ability to challenge liability and damages,” the appellate court wrote. “But GEICO did have the opportunity to participate and defend its interests—including the ability to challenge liability and damages—by entering a defense of Insured.” 

In other words, instead of defending M.B., GEICO just denied the claim, so when an arbitrator decided, to the contrary, that GEICO should have to cover the claim, GEICO found itself potentially up shit creek without a paddle – which, it seems, is something of a familiar position for the company’s spokeslizard.

OK Fine, Brain: Let’s Involuntarily Go Down Comic Memory Lane

Being the associative listener (and reader, evidently) that I am, reading about GEICO’s loss in court made my brain flash to – where else? – an old episode of Seinfeld

While the much funnier part of the episode that came to mind is the scene in which Jerry clashes with the clerk over the meaning and import of the word “reservation”, there’s also the follow-up in which the clash evolves into one about insurance.

My perpetually channel-surfing brain couldn’t just stop there, though. Noooo, it had to reach into the deeper recesses of my mental file cabinet to find an old standup routine so obscure, there is somehow no clip of it on YouTube, or anywhere else that Google suggested to me.

So, you’ll just have to trust me that there’s an old Jake Johannsen bit about renting a Geo Metro (for those too young to recall this vehicle, just know it was very, very cheap), being asked if he wants to purchase insurance for the car and being threatened with the notion of being “liable for the full value of the vehicle.” Jake, terrified at this prospect, purchased the insurance, naturally.

The punchline? 

“Clearly, I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, the ‘full value’ of a rented Geo Metro? I’ve got that on me!”

An Opportunistic Plan Develops

In the past, unlike Jake Johannsen, I’ve always turned down the rental car insurance option, reasoning that my own insurance would prove adequate – in part because my personal policy has a section which specifies that I’m insured against all the likely liabilities I might incur whilst driving a rental.

But the case of M.O., M.B. and GEICO now has me thinking again: What about the unlikely liabilities I might incur? 

What if, as remote as this possibility seems, my husband abruptly divorces me and in a fit of sadness, low self-esteem and desperation, I have sex with some guy in a rental car and give him an STI that I have somehow contracted in the interim? Does my current insurance cover that? Would it cover the same thing in a rental? Do they even rent out Geo Metros anymore?

On the flip side, maybe I sense an opportunity here. Maybe my new latest get-rich-quick scheme is the following Can’t-Miss 8-Step Plan

Step 1: Find man (hereafter “The Man”) insured by GEICO

Step 2: Go back before Step 1 and make sure The Man has some manner of STI, but maybe not HPV, because that one sounds kinda scary

Step 3: Collude with The Man to have him transmit the STI to me

Step 4: File lawsuit

Step 5: Wait; is this legal standard unique to Missouri?

Step 6: Move to Missouri before Step 1, just in case answer to Step 5 is ‘yes’.

Step 7: The lizard’s accent is cockney, in my opinion 

Step 8: Retire to the Cayman Islands

I’m sure there are some holes in this plan somewhere, but The Man and I will just sort those out as we go along. Yes, it will take more than 15 minutes, but if my math is correct, $5.2 million is considerably more than 15% of what I currently spend on auto insurance.


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