As a writer who has placed herself on innumerable mailing lists and has news alerts set up for a lot of sex-related keywords, Grinch Calico gets more than her share of press releases. Some are interesting, most are not — and some are so inane, she feels dumber for having read them.
Probably because she’s spent close to half her life in the adult entertainment industry, Calico has a special pet peeve for dumb press releases sent out by porn companies. You know the kind I’m talking about — porn companies offering jobs to disgraced celebrities, self-serving ‘news’ about the latest user trends observed (or made up) by the company, that kind of thing.
Normally, when she runs across such dumb porn-related press releases, Calico just deletes them and moves on. Today however, she received a porn company press release so incredibly lame and dumb, she couldn’t bring herself to NOT write about it. What was it? Find out in Calico’s latest post “Grinch Porn Searches Surge? Bah, Humbug”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples Movies
As part of my endless need for topics to write about, I have signed up for a variety of email lists, newsletters and other sources of articles, press releases and links, just to assure I always have plenty of fodder to choose from.
Most of what I get this way is, frankly, just crap. I read it quickly and shuffle it off to the trash folder where it belongs.
On occasion though, there’s something which isn’t just crap, it’s splendiferous, lame-tastic, mind-numbing Super Duper Uber Crap of the sort I must write about – not in spite of how dumb it is, but precisely because of how dumb it is.
Luckily for you, dear reader, today is such an occasion.
How the Grinch Stole the Last Fuck I Had to Give
I’m not going to mention by brand name, domain or URL the porn site which is the source of today’s crapalicious news nugget, because (a) I don’t want to and (b) you can very quickly and easily find out which porn site is responsible for it if you care to do so.
Here’s the headline, though: “Searches for Grinch Have Surged In the Past Few Weeks”
OMG – you mean to tell me more people search for things related to characters from famous Christmas stories around Christmastime? And possibly even more so when there’s a new Grinch movie in theaters at the time? MIND. BLOWN.
Oh, but these aren’t just any old searches for Grinch. No, these are porn-searches for Grinch. And that makes it newsworthy because… umm… because… Well, because it enables people who write headlines to put the word “porn” in the same headline as “Grinch,” I suppose.
Numbers Don’t Lie – But Percentages Can Bullshit with the Best of Them
“Users seem to be fantasizing about ‘The Grinch,’ which is contributing to their kinky dreams and porn search keystrokes, with searches up over 10,000% over the past few weeks,” the press release from the website reporting this stunning increase in Grinch-porn searches claims.
At the risk of getting all mathy up in here, I must ask: Up 10,000% from what, exactly?
After all, if only one person had searched for Grinch on the site before the past few weeks, and that figure increased to 101 people searching for it over the course of those weeks, that’s an increase of 10,000%.
This sort of thing is why marketing and advertising people love to reference percentages, by the way: You can use them to make minor changes sound significant. “Our company has a customer service satisfaction rate of 100%,” they’ll tell you – without mentioning that they’ve had exactly two “customers” fill out their customer service satisfaction survey, and one of them was their in-house IT guy making sure the fucking online form worked.
No Crap Press Release is Complete without a Quote from the VP of Obviousness
Look, you can’t just loft a Grinch-porn hand grenade out there without providing some context, or at least a quote from a company executive explaining the hows and whys of it all.
“’The Grinch’ has always (been) popular holiday fare for families,” says the VP of Obviousness for the Porn Site that Shall Remain Nameless in this Post. “However, it seems users are looking for a more intimate character this year. We hardly expected ‘The Grinch’ to be such a sexual fantasy of our users, but it is. The searches have been climbing since mid-October and haven’t stopped.”
I assume he means that How the Grinch Stole Christmas! has always been popular holiday fare for families, seeing as how “The Grinch” (which I will not do the honor of italicizing) came out approximately 14 minutes ago.
Either way, from where I sit, this entire Grinch-porn press release seems to be a setup for a bit of lame wordplay, albeit wordplay sullied by grammatical errors: “For Grinch-fetish users fantasies, the mean (sic) one’s heart isn’t the only thing that grows three sizes.”
C’mon guys – you mean to tell me you couldn’t come up with anything that enabled you to reference how the Grinch “whizzed with his load through the bright morning light”? For fuck’s sake, that’s a golden shower and money shot reference bundle just waiting for you to mangle it with typos!
Oh well, there’s always next year – unless of course by next Christmas, it’s searches for Scott Calvin that are surging.
Erotic Cinema For Discerning Adults
Anonymous Adult Search