But It’s Easier to Pretend He’s Kit Harington with the Lights Off

But It’s Easier to Pretend He’s Kit Harington with the Lights Off

If there’s one “good sex” tip Calico believes in, it’s the tip that there’s no such thing as a universal good sex tip. What works for one person might be a major turnoff for another. For example, while the data shows the majority of women can’t reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone, some 20-25% of women CAN reach orgasm that way — so if your tip is to avoid penetrative sex in favor of other forms of stimulation alone, you’re basically telling one in five women they don’t really enjoy something they actually do enjoy.

This is why Calico isn’t a fan of sex advice columns which make definitive statements, or claim to offer universal truths regarding sexual pleasure. Those columns might help some readers, but they will leave others even more frustrated than having bad sex renders them, because they’re being told their perceptions, sensations and preferences lack validity – a terrible thing to tell someone, even accidentally.

What sort of sex advice set Calico off this time around? For the answer, read her new post, “But It’s Easier to Pretend He’s Kit Harington with the Lights Off”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

If there’s one thing I know about “good sex,” or the conditions and circumstances in which good sex occurs, it’s that there’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all precept out there that applies universally.

How many times have you read or heard something like 75% to 80% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex, for example? Well, if you think about it, that means that around 20-25% of women DO orgasm from penetrative sex, which is a sizeable percentage. 

This doesn’t mean sex advice columnists can’t come up with a tip that would work for both populations, but it does underline the fallacy of thinking there are universal truths when it comes to seeking good sex.

It’s also why I go a little bonkers when I see headlines dishing up definitive claims like “sex is better with the lights on.”

Now, to be fair, I don’t think the folks who cooked up that Mashable post are saying it’s not possible to have good sex with the lights off – but I do think when they assess why having sex with the lights off is “the norm” (something I’d want to see some well-sourced statistics on before I’d accept it as truth in the first place, btw), their own biases come to the fore a bit.

“Having sex with the lights off can stem from several personal and societal factors,” said Adina Mahalli, who the post identifies as a “certified relationship consultant” and “sexual health expert” from a place called Maple Holistics.

“Sex is seen as a sin in Catholicism and sex in many religions is seen as something that shouldn’t be done recreationally,” Mahalli adds. “Shame in an act will make you not want to see well while participating in it.”

Presumably paraphrasing Mahalli, the post continues by saying the factors contributing to having sex with the lights off “can range from body image struggles to societal taboos originating from religious beliefs.”

Is it just me, or are they leaving a major factor out of the equation here? A little something called “personal preference,” perhaps?

Oh, but they don’t leave out personal preference – they just suggest that if having sex with the lights off is your personal preference, there might be something wrong.

“If you are afraid — or if you have (had sex with the lights on) and you didn’t like it — take a look and examine why,” the post suggests. “Is it because of your body-image? Is it because of awkwardness between you and your partner? The reason is probably beyond the bedroom entirely. It may take time to figure out and worth through (sic) but it may send ripples of benefits in your life — including but not most importantly improving the sex you have.”

Uh yeah – that must be it. I mean, these are experts and… umm… “maple holists,” so clearly they are right and anyone who doesn’t enjoy the same sort of sex they do must be repressed, frightened or otherwise sexually misguided.

Or maybe, just maybe, there are some other personal reasons why some folks might prefer having sex with the lights off?

Other Personal Reasons Why People Might Prefer Having Sex with the Lights Off

As it happens, I’m not adamant about this question in either direction. Much of the sex I have with my husband happens during the day, which if you live in a sunny-beyond-belief place like Arizona effectively means having sex with the lights on, unless you’ve got some seriously heavy curtains in your bedroom.

When we do have sex at night, whether the lights are on typically depends on whether they were already on when foreplay began. (If you my husband thinks he’s going to get away with, say, interrupting performing cunnilingus on me to turn on the fucking lights, he’s got another thing coming.)

That said, even without being strict about the lights one way or the other, it’s not hard for me to imagine reasons why I might prefer to have sex with the lights off that have nothing to do with my body image, any of the religions to which I don’t adhere, or any other sociocultural factor.

How about if I tried it and didn’t like the faces my partner makes, or didn’t like seeing the sweat drip off his forehead right before it plummeted into my eye?

How about if I like pretending I’m having sex with Kit Harington (OK, more accurately, having sex with Jon Snow) and my seeing my husband’s beer gut bouncing about in the mirror while he plows me from behind tends to undermine the fantasy?

I don’t doubt that for some people, the reason they don’t want to have sex with the lights on is rooted in their religious upbringing, or in believing they don’t measure up to their partners’ expectations, or stem from body image issues they might have.

But, just like the question of whether you can reach orgasm from penetrative sex alone (which, for the record, I do not), I’m not inclined to make assumptions about the sexual preferences of others. And I’m sure not going to tell them that if they don’t agree with me, they need to engage in serious self-reflection to figure out why.