Define The Following: “Inappropriate Place To Watch Porn”

Today, Calico takes the “Am I Watching Too Much Porn?” quiz and discovers the questions (and answers) aren’t as straightforward as she expected them to be. How much porn is too much? Has Calico crossed the line between porn aficionado and porn fiend?

Find out in her newest post “Define The Following: ‘Inappropriate Place'” Read on…

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com, Porn For Women

It’s odd; when I was growing up, nobody ever wanted to take tests or quizzes at school, but these days, I can’t login to Facebook without seeing a half-dozen posts sharing friends’ scores on various silly self-tests, whether those quizzes test a knowledge of world geography, or are geared to answer burning questions like What Kind of Potato Are You?

Typically, I don’t participate in these kinds of tests, mostly because I don’t give a shit what sort of potato I am, but also because I’m cynical enough to believe there’s an ulterior motive involved, like using my Facebook account as a vector to infect my friends’ computers with crippling viruses and malware.

I did recently run across one online quiz I decided to take, just because its focus and purpose relates so closely to my line of work – the “Am I Watching Too Much Porn?” quiz.

What; No Pie Chart?

Since it’s just a list of questions cooked up by a British egghead named Noel Bell (which, offhand, sounds like something I’d ring while singing Christmas carols) and republished by Cosmo, the Am I Watching Too Much Porn quiz isn’t equipped with a Share on Facebook button, accompanied by a colorful infographic, or loaded up with snazzy pie charts which demonstrate at a glance how highly I’ve scored.

In fact, the only metric involved in this quiz is whether you answer ‘yes’ to three or more of the questions, out of a total of 11. This confuses me somewhat, because where I come from, 27.27% is hardly a passing grade.

Still, despite its lack of flair, this quiz still beats trying to figure out what sort of pet I should adopt based on my birth month, so I’ll give it a shot.

So Many Porn Questions, So Few Porn Answers

The first question the quiz poses is an easy one: “Do you believe that using porn will make life more bearable?”

Do I believe it? It’s manifestly true!

When I come home from a miserably long trip to the DMV, for example, an event which leaves me filled with the desire to do anything other than stand in line with dozens of strangers, many of whom have children in tow who appear to be suffering from both whooping cough and Attention Deficit Disorder, watching porn absolutely helps put the experience out of my mind, thereby making life “more bearable.”

OK – that’s one down, 10 to go.

Next up, “Do you feel desperation, anxiety or irritability with no access to porn?”

Good question; just as soon as I find myself on a desert island, buried deep underground, or otherwise without access to porn, I’ll be sure to let you know the answer. For now, I’m going to leave my response at “maybe?”

Question number three on the list is “Have you watched porn in inappropriate places?”

Hmmm. This is another question which seems like it should be straightforward, but to me the word “inappropriate” is too vague. If there’s nobody else in the elevator with me, is it still inappropriate to watch porn in there?

Now You’re Just Being Silly

The next question on the quiz just doesn’t make sense to me. “Do you watch porn longer than intended?”

Here’s the thing; when I sit down to watch porn, I intend to watch until I finish the job of getting off. Personally, I don’t like to masturbate with a kitchen timer on, and it’s never occurred to me to put a time limit on achieving orgasm, so I’m going to answer this one with a big, fat Not Applicable.Next up, the quiz author wants to know “Do you worry about your body image after watching porn?” Since I don’t worry about my body image, period, at least I can give this one a clear response: No.

I do, however, sometimes worry about my husband’s body image after I watch porn, because post-porn-watching it suddenly seems weird to me that he has no visible abs and zero neck tattoos, but does have hair on his balls.

Getting uncomfortably personal, the quiz then wants to know “Have you ever had a meaningful relationship compromised by your porn habit?”

This is another easy one; the answer is no way. That guy was a total dweeb, after all, and I’m glad he left. Plus, I’m not sure it was my porn watching which broke us up, so much as my insistence that he eventually get a job and start chipping in on rent.

Are We Almost Done Here? I Have Porn To Watch, You Know

With just under half the quiz to go, I’m not feeling too confident about reaching the three-yes threshold which will assure I’m watching too much porn. Who knows though; maybe I’ll get on a hot streak and ace the rest of this sucker.

“Can you easily stop or do you feel compelled to watch when you would rather not?”

Again, for me to respond to this question accurately, it would have to apply to me in the first place. What do you mean “when I’d rather not”? If I don’t want to watch porn, then I’m not watching it. When I do want to watch porn, then I’m watching – again, so long as there’s nobody else on the elevator.

Next up, “Does the prospect of having ‘real sex’ seem unappealing?”

I have plenty of real sex, thanks, and that’s another thing I wouldn’t do unless it appealed to me, so here we have another resounding NO.

Crap, I have to nail two of the last three questions to pass this thing? Oh well; I guess it’s predictable my test-taking skills will have faded a bit more than 20 years after my last round of final exams.

“Has your sleep been affected by the amount of porn you have watched?”

Finally, a YES! I sleep much better after masturbating, so porn certainly has affected my sleep.

“Do you need more and more diversity in what you watch in order to achieve the same level of physical and emotional relief?”

Nope. For that matter, I’ve been known to watch my favorite scenes over and over – but mostly because it’s saved on my phone, and Wi-Fi reception can be quite spotty inside an elevator.

OK, it’s the moment of truth; I’ve reached the final question with only two yes responses to show for it, so far. The make or break question: “Are your thoughts chaotic and unmanageable because of your porn usage?”What an absurd question! My thoughts aren’t at all chaotic or… uh… Umm, what was the question again? Sorry, it’s just hard to focus when all I can see in my mind’s eye is a bunch of extreme closeups of massive, erect penises going in and out of various orifices.

And now I’ve missed my floor. Thanks a lot, Dr. Christmas Chime.