My Vibrator May Be “Dumb,” But…
For some reason, these days many manufacturers seem obsessed with adding internet connectivity to all sorts of products that don’t seem to need internet connectivity — an act which makes those devices “smart,” according to the device marketers of the world.
Does the so-called “Internet of Things” really need to have smart microwave ovens, smart egg timers and smart water bottles, of all things? Do I really miss out on anything by settling for a smartphone and a regular watch? Is it that important to have two devices that beep at me every time my one of my sisters sends me a text?
Of all the “smart” device categories that make Calico roll her eyes, the manner she’s most set on avoiding is a type of product she uses a lot — even habitually. You’d think the option of selecting a ‘smart’ version of a product she uses all the time would be more appealing to Calico a smart shoehorn, or smart golf ball washer, or smart vegetable peeler, but in truth, Calico would rather peel her carrots with a potential security risk than insert a potential security risk inside her body.
What sort of smart product am I talking about that has inspired such revulsion on Calico’s part? Are there smart toasters small enough to put inside one’s body? Do they really make smart golf ball washers? If so, would that be a good wedding present? Explore these and other important questions by reading Calico’s latest post: “My Vibrator Might Be “Dumb” But…”
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Sexy Award Winning Movies
Read On…
As my grandfather (and many other peoples’ grandfathers, too, I’d wager) used to say: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
OK, full disclosure here: In truth, my grandfather was quite proud of his education and erudition and would likely be aghast if he knew I’d quoted him as using “ain’t” in a sentence. As such, I’d best give you a version of what he actually said to me from time to time: “Many people seem bent on solving problems that don’t exist in the first place. That sort of thing is an absolute folly and an impulse which, if you ever do feel it, you should never indulge.”
I honestly don’t recall what my grandfather was referring to when he said such things to me – but, if he were still alive today, I believe he’d be saying it in reference to sex toys and the vibrator.
World-Wide Whoops
Granted, my grandfather was extremely reserved about all matter related to sex, so truth be told, he would likely rather have set himself aflame than talk to his granddaughter about anything remotely sexual, let alone talk to her about sex toys. (I’ll put it this way: After being dragged to the theater to watch David Lynch’s version of Dune back in the 80’s, my grandfather came home complaining about being forced to watch a “pornographic” film…)
Still, I think if you were to ask him “should we add internet connectivity to this vibrator that functions just fine without being connected to the internet,” I’m confident he’d say: “What the hell is the internet?” And then, right after you explained what the internet is, he’d say: “Good lord no! Why the hell would you connect that to the internet?”
Which is exactly how I feel about “smart” sex toys.
The “Internet Vibrator of Things (That I Will Never Put In My Body)”
I don’t know about anyone else, but I use sex toys to produce sensations I find pleasurable. I don’t use them to look up recipes online, or to send emails, or to download how-to videos when my shower is leaking.
While I can see the appeal of my partner being able to remotely control the settings on a sex toy, at least theoretically, we don’t have much call for that sort of thing, since we live together and he’s (more or less) capable of manually changing things like vibration settings.
What I can’t abide by, at all, is the idea of someone other than my partner and/or me gaining control of my sex toys – particularly while those toys are in use.
“As is the case with any other IoT (“Internet of Things”) device, there are certain threats to privacy when using internet-enabled adult toys,” note Denise Giusto Bilic and Cecilia Pastorino in a recent post on WeLiveSecurity.com. “Vulnerabilities could allow attackers to execute malicious code on the device, or to lock it preventing the user from sending any command to the toy. In fact, we have already seen real-case scenarios involving similar attacks, as researchers have found ransomware aimed at locking vulnerable chastity belts while the devices are in use and demanding that the victims pay a ransom to unlock the gizmos and free themselves.”
Granted, I’m not about to put on a chastity belt any time soon, but the idea of a hacker gaining control of anything I’m putting in (or on, or even merely in close proximity to) my body fully freaks me out. The last thing I need when I’m cruising along steadily towards a climax with the vibe dial set to six is some budding Nigel Tufnel hacker type suddenly turning it up to 11, out of the blue.
That’s Not a Vibrator; That’s an Internet-Connected Endoscope
Creepiest of all among the sex toy hacking possibilities, in my humble-and-horrified opinion, is the notion of a hacker taking control of the oh-so-charmingly-named “Svakom Slime Eye” vibrator. How so? Well, the Svakom Slime Eye vibrator has a small camera on one end – and, evidently, it’s “very easy” for hackers to access that camera.
Uh… yeah, no. Call me old-fashioned, but I think I’ll stick with my ‘dumb’ vibrator. Admittedly, It’s a little light on bells and whistles – but on the bright side, nobody can ever use one of those missing bells or whistles to hail a cab from inside my vagina.
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