by Lola Lovely at Badoink Magazine.
Yesterday I lay back as my partner made his way between my legs – this might sound like the start of a bad erotic novel, but trust me it isn’t. My partner was indeed going to give me head but the takeaway from this article isn’t that I am going to get head. It is however about how I am good at getting head. The thing is, for most of my twenties, I wasn’t good at getting head. Sure I got a lot of head, gave a lot of head and sometimes even gave head to avoid sex. But I wasn’t good at receiving.
I’m talking about the kind of receiving men do. The kind that makes them good at asking, “Wanna blow me?” without an ounce of guilt or need to return the favor. I on the other hand felt bad that a man had to go down on me and when he did I would secretly count the minutes he’s been down there in case it was too ‘long’ and then promptly return the favor in case he thought I was being selfish.
Needless to say, I needed to chill the f**k out.
There were times I just wanted to lay back and have someone ‘take care’ of my needs and then when I was all juiced out and satisfied, I wanted to roll over, scratch my belly and fall asleep – like a boss. But that fantasy was so far removed from my reality I felt guilty even thinking about it. Well, what’s a girl to do right?
I mean, that’s what I was brought up with. Women weren’t supposed to be sexual and tuned in to their own needs.. I was supposed to sexually please. My sexual appetite could only go as far as it was sexy to a man. So I could be sexual in a tantalizing, teasing way towards a man, or towards another woman (being watched by a man) but not so far as to satisfy my own needs. If my needs happen to be satisfied while satisfying a man’s, then great – but not more than that. If not then you’re a slut. And I didn’t want to be a slut.
Well, at some point this all got boring. Sex was nice but I wanted to be blown away. Or just blown.
So one day (years ago), going against everything that I knew, I spoke to an ex partner and said, “I want to just lay back while you eat me out. And then not have to return the favor.” I expected outrage. Well maybe not outrage, he wasn’t a monster. At the very least I expected a raised eyebrow. The eyebrow that said, “well that’s selfish…”
Well, I wish something dramatic had happened because then it would make this a much more interesting article. Alas, he nodded and went at it and when he was done he looked like such a happy puppy for doing a good job. I on the other hand heard the sound of my perception crashing all around me. I swear I spanked myself hard for not doing this sooner.
I expect that you’re expecting that I lived happily ever after? While I did get a lot more satisfaction, I did have to work at getting where I am now. Eliminating the guilt of just sitting back and receiving required a lot more work than just asking for it. It was a process of accepting that I am a sexual being, I can have many orgasms, some long, some short, some all together and to not feel embarrassed if I am orgasmic for ‘too long’ (yeah can you believe that I used to think that I used to orgasm for ‘too long’???) and of course wrapping my head around the idea that he wanted to pleasure me as much as I wanted to be pleasured.
So back to yesterday, yes it was good. But it was made even better knowing I was guilt free and able to take as good as I give. I’m curious if other women have ever felt this way. Let me know in the comments.
Read more of Lola’s commentary at Badoink Magazine!
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