At Long Last, My Husband’s Interest in Martial Arts Finds Its Limit.

At Long Last, My Husband’s Interest in Martial Arts Finds Its Limit

If you’ve ever known someone truly sports obsessed, you will probably be able to relate to Calico’s frustration. It’s not that she minds her husband being a sports fan, or even that she minds him following a lot of different sports; it’s the depth into which he follows them. It’s the way his commitment to watching televised sports results in things like 3rd-tier English football leagues being streamed on their TV when Calico wants to be to watching something far more valuable and meaningful, like Dr. Who reruns, or the Home Shopping Network’s latest sale on lab-manufactured gemstones, or late night static on a local cable access channel.

Calico has tried to draw the line at obscure martial arts competitions, but she’s had little luck, so far. If her husband isn’t watching a MMA presented by some Canadian company she’s never heard of, then he’s streaming a kickboxing tournament taking place somewhere in Scandinavia.

This week, however, Calico has finally found a sport — a combat sport, no less — at which even her husband draws the line. No, it’s not cockfighting, nor is it a ‘cock fighting’ gay porn parody, it’s a real (allegedly) style of king fu that has been practiced for many years.

What is it about this martial arts competition that sends Calico’s husband fleeing out of the living room like brain-eating zombies were emerging from the tile floor? What sort of martial art is too brutal even for a longtime UFC fan? Find out in Calico’s new post: “My Husband’s Interest in Sports & Martial Arts Finally Reaches Its Limit” 

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn Movies For Women and Couples

Read On…

While he’s not as committed a sports freak as some other men I’ve known, my husband is still prone to watching and following an insanely broad variety of activities that are categorized as “sport”, regardless of how much one has to stretch the definition of that term to include the activity in question.

Sure, some more obscure sporting contests are loads of fun to watch, as Netflix has amply demonstrated with its quite fun series, We Are the Champions. The contestants in the yo-yo championship depicted in the series are particularly endearing btw, melting my heart with their sincere appreciation of and affection for each other.

Even Without a Pandemic, There’d Be No Crowd at These Martial Arts Matches

There are times, though, when my husband’s interest in sports descends into the absurd. Nowhere is this absurdity more obvious than with respect to his love for football (the “soccer” kind, not the kind where the players hardly ever touch the ball with their feet). 

While I endorse my husband’s passion for Premier League football, for example, I will never do anything other than stare back at him blankly when he says something like “Wow – Oxford United beat Northampton Town 4-0!” with the apparent expectation the statement will mean something to me. (For the football uninitiated those are teams from League One, the THIRD FUCKING TIER of English pro football. I’m sorry honey, but only diehard, lifelong, local supporters of those clubs can reasonably care what happens in these matches.)

One Ring to Bring Them All and In the Darkness… Roundhouse Kick Them?

Football isn’t the only sport into which my husband has plumbed too deep for my liking – which is really only a problem because unlike a lot of other American homes, ours has only one television. And while I’m certainly not above watching things on my laptop or tablet, much of what I like to watch (like special effects-driven sci-fi flicks) is far more enjoyable on the relatively big screen.

Another sport to which my husband pays too much (or too deep, at least) attention is martial arts. And I don’t just mean Mixed Martial Arts, I mean just about anything that can be described as a martial art, regardless of its obscurity or relegation to the far end of the cable TV listings.

I figure just about everyone has heard of the UFC and a great many people likely are familiar with Bellator, one of the UFC’s few competitors in the MMA space. But, outside of Canadians (who might know someone fighting in it), who the hell follows the Maximum Fighting Championship? My husband, that’s who.

For fuck’s sake, I’ve even walked in him watching something called King in the Ring, which sounds like some sort of Tolkien knockoff, but is in fact a kickboxing competition in New Zealand. Come to think of it, seeing as Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand, maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to conclude there’s no connection between the King of the ring and the Lord of it. Are there any upcoming matches involving hobbits?

You’ve Heard of “Iron Fist”? It’s Just Like That, Only Crotchier

There may be some light at the end of the combat sports obsession tunnel, though. Just this week, I found out about a martial art that not only didn’t interest my husband, it sent him fleeing from the living room like I’d just asked him to watch a reboot of You’ve Got Mail with me. I’m speaking, of course, of “iron crotch kung fu.”

While it might sound like something you’d find in the Clips4Sale ballbusting category, iron crotch kung fu involves mastering the iron crotch ‘technique’ which is “gained by taking hits to the body’s weakest points while using qigong breathing techniques to inure oneself,” according to the Reuters piece republished by Huffpo at the link above.

“When you practice iron crotch kung fu, as long as you push yourself, you will feel great,” claims Wang Liutai, the 65-year-old head of the Juntun Martial Arts Academy.

Judging by his reaction to seeing just a still photograph of Wang absorbing a blow to his crotch from a swinging “a steel-plate capped log, 2 meters in length and weighing 40 kilograms”, I’d say my husband is a bit skeptical of Wang’s “feel great” claim.

This minor victory of mine won’t permanently place the remote in my hands, of course. Hell, it probably won’t even last through some streaming platform’s presentation of Erzebirge Ave v. Karlsruher SC. But maybe I can at least get through a couple episodes of Sense8 before the next Dutch kickboxing pay-per-view event. 

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